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Personal Story

Personal Story

Healing Childhood Sexual Abuse Trauma

Our souls suffer when the mind and body are traumatized.

I was about 7-years old when I was sexually abused. I mentioned it for the first time to another person about a month ago. The experience came up periodically beforehand but I had no hardened thoughts or feelings about it, so I didn’t give it a second thought.

It was midday when a neighbor, a girl a few years older, came over wanting me hang out. I followed her to her parents’ house across the street then to her room. Suddenly she demanded that I take off my clothes. She took hers off then demanded acts on her and did them to me. I got dressed when this experience was over then went home, never thinking of it again until I was an adult.

As I looked back, I didn’t think much of that afternoon because there was no threats or physical harm done. The reality is that my physical, mental and emotional boundaries were obliterated. This hurt my soul.

In my adult life, I had no emotional, mental or spiritual connections to the men I had sex with, only physical. There were times when I cried during sex.

Sexual abuse changes everything. It damages your chakras, either shutting them down or opening them too wide. Mine shut down. I ate my emotions, binged on sugar for comfort; changed apartments every eight months; went back and forth between having lots of money and giving it away because I didn’t feel worthy of having it or not having any, scraping together pennies; looked for approval from everyone; had my head in the clouds; never spoke my truth; or listened to my intuition.

I attracted a lot of rape victims into my life. They were mirrors, but I didn’t realize it until now.

Healing is cyclical. My spiritual awakening helped me take conscious steps towards healing other parts of my life. When my sexual abuse came up again last month I realized that my nonchalant attitude was for a reason. I was in shock. Even now I have no hardened emotions about that day, but I admit more than ever that I was abused.

I’ve been making healthier choices, especially with food and relationships. My body is my primary home. A temple. The place where my soul dwells. It’s happier that I’m more aware of the experiences that impacted my mind and body.

 

Abuse is abuse no matter how you react to it. If you or someone has been sexually abused, please seek help. Contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673).

Contact RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) for additional support.

Personal Story

For The Love Of Children

Youth are extraordinary spiritual teachers

I was 11-years old when I decided to not have children. It was a warm afternoon, as it always was in central Texas, as I sat in the middle of my bedroom floor playing alone. I honestly don’t remember what I was doing except sitting cross-legged.

My reality started to change as if in Star Trek’s Holodeck. I saw a newborn baby. It’s head, full of straight black hair, was cradled in my left arm against my chest. The eyes were closed, perhaps in a deep slumber. Rather than feeling the weight of the child, my head, back and shoulders felt heavy while my mind and the rest of my body seemed light enough to float away.

Four seconds into the experience I started questioning aloud, Why am I feeling this? I shouldn’t be feeling this. The baby disappeared, never to be seen again. My period started later that summer. Children started appearing in my dreams. Newborns, kindergartners by the busload, my brother’s children, children of neighbors, and even children claiming to be mine.

I was a mother in previous lifetimes. Some children grew up while others died in utero. I carry a lot of mother energy in this lifetime. Kids love me. Some run to me baffling their own mothers because I’m a complete stranger.

It’s my energy — big, light, floaty.

Children teach us to spend more time having fun. They teach us to slow down, be more aware of ourselves as we interact with them, and practice compassion. They push the buttons in areas of our lives that need healing.

I stopped dreaming of children when I healed my inner child, which oddly came from shifting to a sugar-free, gluten-free vegan diet. Meat, dairy, eggs, sugar and wheat were draining my energy. I came back to life on a plant-based diet.

The decision to not have children was a good one. My younger years weren’t hellacious, but I felt that I would not have been a good mother. Even yesterday I thought that it was good that I did not have children.

I nearly broke my spirit trying to mother others rather than myself. Like many women, I had put myself last. My inner child healing put me back in first place.

There’s more for me to learn about myself as I engage with children. Spirit gave me messages this morning that it’s expanding. I’m down if it involves more snacks and naps.

Personal Story

What I Learned About Myself Living In France

Taking a leap of faith garnered unexpected healing and abilities

It’s Time To Let Go of Old Energy
I let go of enough fear to move to France but I still navigated the world with old habits. I met the same kind of people, which resulted in the results. Once I let go I had more time for myself and more of my Truth started to surface. Living my Truth meant everything from before no longer fit into my life, including fear. This left me open for more abundance and prosperity, which does not look like I expected.

My Morning Spiritual Practice Is Important
House and pet sitting taught me that I need to spend the mornings grounding my energy and focusing on taking care of myself first before sharing my energy. I love animals and will have a cat of my own, but, for now, self-love is a priority. No compromises. The right cat will enter my life when I have ‘mastered’ taking care of me. Plus, I can care for stray cats until that time comes.

Being Vegan Is Spiritual
Living a vegan lifestyle Living a vegan lifestyle changed my relationship with food. I went vegetarian in 2008 then vegan in 2015. Both transitions helped me understand myself, my relationship to food and the emotional impact of having cravings.

I hear my Higher Self more on a vegan diet. Spirit nudged me to go raw for detox reasons. Honestly, I resisted but understood afterwards. Living vegan in a country that cherishes cheese and pork helped me focus inward and honor the lifestyle that allows me to have fewer health issues and be led by messages of love.

My Vibe Attracts My Tribe
I hung out at the ‘golden arches’ a lot because it has free WiFi. They operate differently in Paris, playing house music, serving cheesecake, and staying open late. I love house music, but I released cheesecake and everything else that the restaurant serves, and I’m usually in bed early. I met nice people, but they aren’t my tribe. I missed out meeting my tribe because I wanted to be online. In order to experience the capacity of my healing I needed to be in the park around nature and those who enjoy it too.

My tribe hangs out in yoga and meditation studios, art galleries, vegan stores and restaurants, independent film theatres and in parks. Now that I’m temporarily back in the U.S. that’s where people will find me.

Be Specific About What I Want
Thoughts and feelings create our reality. When I’m vague about what I want or have fear, I manifest what I need but it’s not satisfactory. If I want a one-bedroom apartment in a particular area (Saint-Germain-des-Pres, s’il vous plait et merci) then that’s what I need to affirm rather than only asking for a place in France. I get what I ask for and how deserving of it I feel.

I Am Worthy of Abundance and Prosperity
I had an issue with receiving. I noticed it when I was house and pet sitting. People homes to me and stated that I was welcome to anything. I felt guilty about eating the food they left. When I had this discovery I worked with Spirit to work through that stagnated energy. I let go. I affirm every day now: I am worthy of receiving abundance and prosperity.